Distorted, Twisted.

We were sitting at the sixth pew from the altar. I am a towering five-foot-ten among those devouts. The humongous crucifix (with Jesus Christ) hangs at the center of a huge marble frame. Well, everything’s big and tall in an almost-cathedral. Trapped candles in glass holders, the dusty red carpet stretching up to the entrance. The choir loft singing behind us, almost twenty feet away. Chandeliers with spiderwebs swaying at its slowest pace, the speakers loud, electric fan humming.

Salmong tugunan, awitin po natin.

You happened to know my religious confusion, my instability as a Catholic, and my work in the church as a choir member (a requirement for Graduation: the so-called Parish Involvement). I am glad that you’ve respected my insights and opinions about the Church itself, about God’s authenticity, and my doubts and unanswered questions. Yet, I am still confused. I am searching for a truth with evidence. A powerful one. Not an innate truth (wherein you were baptized as a Catholic so you believe in God), not a Bible-based one, but a real one.

Awakened by the off-tune voice of the cantor singing the Responsorial Psalm, my mind was knocked out by thoughts of yesterday. My Mom would tell me that God made my meals. Diba, niluto mo yan? Yet, she insists that God cooked my meals when I was five. Curiosity killed my faith.

“Bakit nyo po ako hinahanap?” tanong ng Diyos. Ito ang pinakaunang salita na nasambit ni Hesus sa libro ni Lukas. At ito’y napakaimportante.” Says the priest.

The scripted sermon. At the left side of the altar, a big white tarpaulin that displayed the sermon of the priest. Decorated with the necessary pictures for an illustrative effect, made from MS PowerPoint, ran by mouse-clicks, and transmitted through a projector. It’s colored, and an eye-catcher for those sleepyheads.

I tried to read the Bible when I was in Grade Four. As usual, the story of Creation. The first few chapters of Genesis. By the time Eve ate the apple and gave it to Adam, I closed the book and quit reading. For me, it’s a pure myth. So I just listened to my Christian Living teachers until Third Year. Then, I lost my faith. And I have no time to find it.

Comparing with the 90’s, the population of church-goers dropped. I could see several rows vacant. Even the choir population, from thirty-something to ten or eleven. Somehow, I am bothered by the present situation of the Catholic church. People were busy nowadays, so they need rest on Saturdays and Sundays. Alibis were made, until it became their habit. Finally, they declare themselves as an inactive member of the Church.

I believed God not because I want to, but because I am forced. For my brain, believing something without a proof is an irrational thing.

Thank yourself that your brain functions well. Mine’s not.

After the communion, I headed straight to the entrance door and replied those silly text messages. We’re not yet dismissed by the priest, since he is currently dictating the statement of accounts made by the Church. Yes. It happens almost every week, or twice a month. The PowerPoint would display the salaping nakalabas and the salaping nakapasok (sorry, I suck at translation). The crowd, as usual, waits impatiently.

Dapat diyan sa mga statements na yan, pinapaskil na lang sa labas. Said by a man behind me. Pampatagal lang yan eh.

The latest gossip in the church is the Holy Water Fountain. I wonder if someone stupid would drop a coin there.

After the dismissal, I quickly stayed away from the church and told myself not to sit at the front rows. Ever. My curiosity cracks my head once again. Well, what I fear the most, is the afterlife.

Before you comment, the following statements above were based from my own opinions. I respect your opinion, so please do respect mine.

~ by utakgago on January 21, 2007.