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Bawat araw na lang
Puro ganon at ganon na lang
Paikot-ikot lang
Walang nangyayari
Walang nasasabi
Walang nagagawa
Laging nakatunganga
Nakakatamad na
Ayoko na sanang mabuhay pa
Ngunit ayoko namang masaktan ka pa
Mas gugustuhin ko na maramdaman mo kung gaano ko kamahal ang buhay ko!
Hindi ko na kaya
Ang hirap na…
I should be finished earlier, but I unintentionally pressed the space bar while highlighting the whole story. So, I’m gonna repeat it – bad trip!
It was around 11:00 pm, and I still don’t feel sleepy. I feel bored, over and over again. I’m sitting in the front of the PC for hours, and this night I drank wine… I feel like my life is worthless, keeps on repeating and repeating. My life seems to go rewind day by day. And I can’t control it, I can’t. Well, this night I chatted with Pia. She’s my classmate this year, and she was always silent, a lady with a few words. She’s always making nonsense things, and I’m kinda pissed off with it.
She wouldn’t go serious with our conversation. Our chat was about our lives as usual. We’re on the same boat, cause she feels what I feel. She felt empty, she felt bored and hated her life – it was the same thing with me. I hate the fact that it don’t go naturally… It wasn’t normal, unusual things happen – and I can’t stop it. What I hate with chatting with Pia is that, she would answer yes or no to a question without any reason. She would buzz me without any reason – and the worst thing is, she never told me anything about her vacation, I tried to convince her, but she was a shy-type girl. She was secretive. She was always quiet in classes, though I keep on trying to discover who she really is. I know it, I have a premonition about her real identity…
So we ended that boring conversation without even saying goodbye. I dunno what’s gotten into her.
Another chatmate entertained me after Pia signed out. It was Ate Rean from Bacolod, a true-blue Cueshean. She loves Cueshe’ very much, and she was close to the band members before the whole Philippines was craving for the band. She knew them from the past years, and she keeps on post and glued on her seat about Cueshe’ itself. She was even close to the vocalist, Jay, cause they know each other a long time ago.
So she told me if I’m ok, and I told her that I’m not. I explained to her that I’m not feeling good about my life. It’s boring, things happen over and over again, and I’m just circling in it. It’s like I’m fitting a square into a circle. She told me it was hard, though we should always appreciate simple things that happen. I told her that I like thrills, and she told me that I just don’t feel them, though it’s just somewhere out there. She told me that I need to thank God that I’m healthy. “What’s essential is invisible to the eye…”, Gale is correct about that passage.
The next words were breathtaking and surprising. She told me that she had a congenital heart disease from birth… and that her body is not that healthy like that of before. Yeah, she became thinner than her past picture displayed… but she didn’t look so sick. I remember one time when I tried to chat her, she was sick… that’s why. “Traidor ang sakit ko, pabigla-bigla na lang susulpot…”, she told me. And I felt fortunate, that I don’t experience such kind of a disease. I’m healthy, I don’t have much to worry about… but I keep taking things for granted. She just thanked God for the mornings she would live, for the days given to her. She tries to maximize moments for precious and life-changing times. She was fighting from it, for her family and for her friends. She told me not to worry, “.. kaya na daw nya yun.” I trusted her for what she said. I looked at her webcam, because she thought that I would laugh at her… but no, not really. She was still a person with heart, and I don’t need to feel pity to her – I just need to understand her situation and build up a braver heart inside her. I can’t take it, so I told her that I gotta sleep.
And the night was over, still… I need to thank God for this day. At least, I’ve felt that I’m lucky.
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